Pink's Adventures in Polyamory

2006-05-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

I've decided not to write much about last night with Master KC. It's something that I want to keep for myself, to make it that much more special. It was amazing, and I'm still grinning today.

But I remember at the end of the night the first two lines from the following e.e. cummings poem running through my head- it's always been one of my favorites.

   i like my body when it is with your
  body. It is so quite a new thing.
  Muscles better and nerves more.
  i like your body. i like what it does,
  i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
  of your body and its bones, and the trembling
  -firm-smooth ness and which i will
  again and again and again
  kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
  i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
  of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
  over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

  and possibly i like the thrill

  of under me you quite so new

2006-05-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

Anticipation... brat is painting her nails; she just finished putting on her makeup, and is redoing her nails before Daddy R gets here to take her to dinner, and give her backside a good warming :) Earlier today we both used our Body Bare to prepare ourselves for our nights out (we love that thing!) There is somethig so erotic about the act of shaving and being shaved by a loved one, especially when the grooming is in preparation for nights out with others; the vulnerability, the openness, the silkiness of the baby powder and the brush to apply it...

I'm all ready for my evening with Master KC; brat says I keep sighing (which means I'm holding my breath). It's what I do when I'm nervous. And nervous I am- in that delicious anticipatory way that sense shivers through my whole body... Master KC sent me an email today in which he outlines the items I was to bring, including my favorite flogger- eek!

What does he have planned? I asked him to share his ideas with me, but he said that he feels sharing the details of a scene before it happens is like revealing the plot of a movie before you see it. We've talked about my limits, both soft and hard, and safewords, etc. So I feel completely comfortable consenting to NOT knowing...

and what a joy it will be to come home and share the details with my brat!

2006-05-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

Today brat and I took Master Rig lunch at work, and were able to have a wonderful half-hour of “us” time. It was nice to just sit down, talk, sit on his lap, rub his back, get kissed and hugged. I’ve missed him. We’re trying hard to find a time that the three of us can spend some quality time together, but we also need to find time for each of us to spend time with him alone. One thing that’s becoming really important with me is developing relationships apart from brat- sometimes even I forget that we’re two different people, not one unit!

It’s been so nice to see brat’s joy over Daddy R.; she’s been a joyous wreck since they made plans to meet tomorrow. We rushed back from our errands today so that she might catch him online before her left work, but he wasn’t on. She had a little pout on her pretty puss- until she opened her mail, and there was an email from him waiting for her. A huge, eye-crinkling grin broke out on her face. “Daddy R?” I asked. She showed me his email, and I was so happy to see her joy. It’s in moments like these that I really understand the concept of compersion.

2006-05-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

Things have been busy in the Pink Bottomed world; I’m glad the end of the semester will give me some time to reflect on all the wonderful things that have happened in the last few months, especially in regards to the special men in my life.

The ending of our “relations” with Mr. Danger was hard for me, but I know that I learned a lot from our interactions with him, both about what I want and what I don’t want from my relationships. I do want someone who can help me bring out my submissive side, who likes good food, who wants to sleep over and snuggle my brat and I, and who is big and tall and makes me feel feminine. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to talk about their feelings, who doesn’t want to discuss the situation we’re in or what goes on in it, and who fulfills my brat’s needs much more than mine. I’ve found that I need someone who can communicate about how they feel and who us willing to label our relationship in some way (or at least discuss it!). I also have realized that in many ways I’d rather that brat and I have separate relationships; while playing together sometimes is fun, I also crave the individual attention that only one-on-one interactions can provide. Even with our new partners, we’re making a conscious effort for them to get to know us as individuals, spending time with us apart even if they’re involved with both of us, so we’re not bratandPink, with relationship, but brat and Pink and so-and-so, with different bonds between each part of the triangle.

I feel like a lucky, lucky girl. I have three very special men in my life at the moment, all at varying levels of involvement and with very different prospects for the future of our relationships.

There’s Amherst Boy, who has become an amazing friend, someone whose humor and kindness have helped me through some very rough patches these last couple months. I’ve been hesitant to deepen my involvement with him because he’s a fellow graduate student, and may soon be moving far away; part of my self-protectiveness kicking in.

There’s Master Rig, the polyamorous, happily primary-partnered father of four who has become close with both brat and I. I love him dearly; he’s a Taurus like me, and I find that we have so many of the same dreams, insecurities, desires… Because he’s a parent, and partner, and works full-time while going to night school, we’ve only been able to spend a little time with him, but we talk every day online. I can definitely see the whole poly time management issue will be something to learn from in this relationship.

And then there’s Master KC (kind and cruel, just like him…). I don’t even know where to begin. As brat has teased me repeatedly, I’m twitterpated. I just think he’s divine. We’ve only been out a few times, but we’ve had some wonderful late into the night, snuggle in bed conversations… I feel like he’s someone that I could become very close to, and I hope that’s where things lead. One of things that I’m most excited about is his beautifully sadistic mind (not to mention his beautifully sadistic toybox!). He’s someone I want to know on so many levels… someone I could see becoming a true partner. One thing that I worry about is that he is new to the idea of polyamory, and I know that, as he honestly expressed the first time we met him, he’s really looking for a monogamous long-term relationship. So as excited as I am to open up to him, I know that I’ll be, as with Amherst Boy, a little guarded…

I have a date with Master KC Thursday night; it will be the first time I’ll do a scene without brat, and really the first time that I will be alone in a sexual situation in 7+ years… I’m nervous and excited, and it’s all I’ve been able to think about the past few days. But I trust him, and I know that whatever he has planned will be amazing.

Can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait!

2006-03-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted lately because, well, life has been in the way. My work and school, and my wife's work and school, have been taking up most of our time, and dealing with the end of our involvement with Mr. Danger has left a hole in both of our lives that we haven't yet figured out how to fill. It's amazing how much harder it is to deal with the end of our interactions with Mr. Danger, and trying to create a nonsexual friendship, because there are two of us both dealing- and dealing with each others' dealing!
This is not to say that I have not been thinking about my poly identity, or my bisexuality, or my submissive side, or my femme-ness... indeed, these thoughts have been front and center in my spare time. Perhaps now is the time to start reflecting a bit here.
In the meantime, I'd love to know what poly blogs people read, or have... I'm desparately in need of different perspectives.

2005-12-04T08:40:00.000-08:00

I am missing Mr. Danger today.

I woke up this Sunday morning, a little bit chilly, and saw the beautiful snow falling outside. I snuggled up against my girl, who was still snoring softly. I love waking up next to my wife every morning, being able to snuggle up to her still slumbering body, to curl against its warmth.

This morning, I thought about the other arms that I wished were here to keep me warm. Mr. Danger’s been busy lately, and we’ve been missing him. We were lucky to be able to have a wonderful dinner with him this past week, but it was so hard to let go when I hugged him goodbye, wanting to feel protected by those strong arms just a little bit longer. Both brat and I have been very stressed out lately, and he always makes me feel a bit calmer, more relaxed.

Once, when it was just Mr. Danger and me, I freaked out, as I am wont to do, about driving a route I was unfamiliar with. He made me pull over to the side of the road, put his hand on top of mine, looked me in the eyes, and explained the directions to me slowly and calmly. I felt my breathing slow down, my panic subsiding. Then he leaned over and kissed me. In that moment, early in the times we have spent together, I knew he was a good person, and one that I wanted to have around.

It is an interesting relationship the three of us have developed over the past few months. He is a good, kind man, who takes us out to dinners, cooks us breakfasts, who knows how to tend to my brat, who knows how to make me the good kind of nervous. I enjoy the time we spend with him. I’ve always been an overly effusive person towards the people I care about, and I’ve found myself holding back quite a bit with this man, not wanting to scare him off, and also not wanting to open myself up to hurt. I had experienced enough of that for one year. But I do care about him, and I know he cares about me, and about my brat. It’s a nice feeling. I’m glad he took a chance on getting to know us.

Now it’s snowing and cold, and brat and I are stressing over work, and we’re just having tea for breakfast rather than one of his magical culinary concoctions. I wish he was here for a snuggle, a spanking, some distraction… ;)

Perhaps next weekend. A girl can only hope.

2005-10-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about identity a lot lately, and especially self-identification- not strange for a person who studies queer theory and American identity for a job! There are so many labels that I have chosen for myself over the years, in relation to my sexuality: bisexual. pansexual. femme. polyamorous. switch. submissive...
What do all these labels really mean? Are they who I am, or simply a discriptor of actions I have taken, or will take, or dream of taking? Is there something deep within me that drives me towards feminine women (bio or trans) and masculine (bio or trans) men? Is there something in my DNA that drives me to want to share my love with more than one person, or is really just an intellectual, ethical choice?
So many questions I hope to explore. First, I'd liked to look at what these labels mean to me: are they useful? What do they mean? What is identity, anyway? Does it effect my experiences?
And I'd love to hear from anyone who might happen to stumble across this page... How do you identify sexually? What does it mean to you? Is it an essence, or just a reflection of our experience? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

2005-09-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

Good night, Mr. Nightly.

This past week, Mr. Nightly and I ended our relationship. He insists that it hasn’t ended, but that it has just shifted into a platonic relationship. To me, however, it certainly feels like the end of something, really something that has been going on for much longer than the physical time involved these past 9 months. That we will always love each other is a given; we have for over 10 years, and have a deep bond that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. But for now, we must renegotiate our boundaries. He is in a new relationship (let’s call the girl Frenchie), one where his partner has specified that she wants it to be just the two of them, and there is no longer room for me, or brat.

How does one deal with the end of a poly relationship? I find that I am dealing not with my own hurt, but my wife’s hurt as well. It is a break-up amplified. It is a break-up complicated by the fact that he is head-over-heels for a new woman who he has been with less than a week, and has already decided that is the end for us. The whole incident made me realize that all the communication we were doing about our situation, while good in theory, was flawed. We were each speaking, but our interpretations of each others’ words were in many cases off. I now find myself, with little preparation, dealing with my own broken heart, and hers as well.

brat is not an open person emotionally. She tends to bottle things up instead of expressing them. Tonight Mr. Nightly sat our living room floor, facing us as we sat on the couch, talking for an hour about his new love. I saw her listening without much emotion in her face, fidgeting with a hair elastic, twisting it around her fingers as he talked. He never mentioned any of the things that he should have to her (things he had said to me in our short private chat earlier in the evening). He didn’t explain his and Frenchie’s decision about not being with other people, but instead talked about spanking my brat in the past tense. After he left, brat curled against me on the couch, with her head in my lap. He cheeks were burning red. “I’m angry. And I’m hurt,” she said, looking up at me. All my pain throbbed in my chest as I looked down at the woman I have loved for over 5 years, and saw her in pain, pain that I was the partial cause of. I encouraged her to become involved with this man that I love, that she now loves. And now he has left us both. We knew it would happen in the abstract (as he had expressed that his vanillaness might very well preclude the continuation of our relationship when he found himself involved with a primary partner), yes, but we never knew it would happen so soon, or so suddenly.

Nor do I think he knows how much hurt he has caused. Yes, he knows we are hurt, but in the end I don’t think he really understood just how we saw him in our lives.

And yet, this is all for the best. brat and I have grown from the experience, as people, as a couple. We are ready to let someone else into our lives, knowing that all bets are off, and that we may be hurt again. This time, though, I will lay my cards on the table instead of keeping them so close to my chest. I will be open with what I want, what I need, what I desire from the very beginning. There is a new man we’ve enjoyed spending sometime with, and who knows where that will go. At the very least, we have a new friend that we will enjoy spending time with. But I don’t want the legacy of Mr. Nightly to be one that closes brat or me off from the excitement that is enjoying and loving others. Instead, it’s a lesson. A hard one. But it doesn’t mean stop- it means go.

2005-09-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

A View from the Inside...

brat and I went out to dinner tonight, and I subjected her to yet another tirade about the boy, overanalyzing some of his recent comments and actions. I pouted, I cried, I whined, and she said to me, "Enough." She told me the patterns she saw in my relationship with him, the repetition of the same pain, the same hurt, the same conversation over and over again. She showed me my relationship with him in a way I never could have, because I can't step away and view my interactions the way she can. She's on the inside, but at the same time she has a distance that I don't in understanding the things we (the boy and I) do to each other. She made me realize that he almost never *means* to hurt me, that it's just his way of being in the world that so often does, unfortunately, leave me in tears. I know I can't change him, I can only change me, and my relationship to him.
So brat gave me advice, and finished with, "But this is only my opinion. You have to make your own decision." And she's right- as much as she is involved, this is my relationship, separate than the one between the three of us, and the two of them.
It may be a difficult clarity, in many ways an unwelcome one, but I thank her nonetheless.

2005-08-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

I spent last night with the two people I love most in the world- my wife, brat, and our boyfriend, Mr. Nightly. We met up with brat’s parents for dinner, wandered around Waterfire in Providence taking pictures, bought beer and cookies and roses and popcorn from street vendors, kissed in front of the fire, and generally enjoyed each others’ company and the company of thousands of others. At one point in the night, while the three of us were snuggled while sitting on the grass overlooking the fire, I reached over and kissed my wife, and then turned and kissed my boy. Didn’t really care who saw, if they understood, if they were confused, outraged, intrigued, or otherwise stimulated by the exchange.

I was a happy girl in that moment.

I’m starting this blog as a way to reflect both on polyamory in general and the situation I find myself in. While brat and I have reflected on our relationship on Pink Bottomed Girls, and Mr. Nightly has also chimed in on Confessions of a Secondary Dominant, I have found that I hesitate to post non-spanking related items on our primary blog. While I’m an honorary spanko, there is so much more of my rich love life, and reflections on it, that I want to explore.